your questions about life's minor queries or major conundrums. He
will consider your question profoundly and respond in an honest,
efficacious manner. But be careful what you ask for; though names
shall be kept private to protect the innocent... and the naïve...your
question and answer may be published here for all to see.
|
Dear Doctor Schuler,
|
|
Dear Doctor Schuler:
I am unemployed and looking for work...do you know if one of the
two applications i submitted will be accepted.
Thanks for your time.
|
Dear SJG,
I don't know you, but you seem like a good kid. Send me your resume
and maybe I'll hire you. No promises. Also, I might exploit you.
If you don't mind, shoot me an email and we'll see what we can
do.
Your potential new boss,
|
|
*** |
| |
Dear Doctor Schuler:
Will their be a nuclear attack in the greater New York area
and, more importantly, when?
Sincerely,
Batman's cousin
|
Dear Bat Cousin,
As long as you don't get a hold of any uranium, I feel pretty
safe. But seriously, the answer to your question is actually,
no. There won't be a nuclear in the greater New York area. According
to my lawyer, there is a supervolcano under the surface of Yellowstone
National Park that will probably erupt and blot out the sun over
the western hemisphere, slowly killing us all. But I think you
should be more worried about global warming and the increased
number of hurricaines likely to move up the eastern coast. Not
to mention the likelihood of a major earthquake. I hope this puts
your mind at ease.
Respectfully,
|
*** |
Dear Doctor Schuler:
Will the strange mark that was found on my right buttock at birth
ever fade away, or at least will it change forms so that it no
longer resembles a disfigured werewolf? it is preventing me from
having sensual relations of any kind, for all who see it become
terribly depressed.
i await your reply. you are my only hope.
|
Dear Satana,
It was once believed that if a woman was, frightened by an animal
during pregnancy, that she would produce a child with the characteristics
of that animal. Such might have been believed to be the case of
Larry and Danny Ramos Gomez, The Wolf Boys of the Mexican International
Circus, who were born with a condition known as hypertrichosis
and are covered from head to toe in hair. They were adopted by
the circus when Larry was 9 and Danny 6. You can read about Larry
on his beautiful wife Nadine’s webpage at: circusfolks.com/apub/bio
and see that his condition has not kept him from living a full
and happy life.
To make a long story short, when you learn to love the werewolf
birthmark, you’ll find someone who loves you and your birthmark.
Herzlichst,
|
|
*** |
| |
Dear Doctor Schuler:
Will Fielding Motlave ever want to see me again?
Muchos besitos,
Whatsit
|
Dear Whatsit,
I don’t know this so-called "Fielding Motlave",
but I have to advise that you’d be best not to associate
with this person again. I believe that you can tell a lot about
a person by their name, Whatsit, and after extensive Internet
research, I can tell you that Mr. Fielding Motlave’s father
is likely of Icelandic, Polish, or Hungarian descent. Certainly
respectable ancestries, all, but the family name Motlave means,
in Icelandic: motley or promiscuous; in Polish: tomfool; and in
Hungarian: gaudy, feculent flapdoodle. This does not bode well
for Fielding’s family’s reputation. Fielding’s
first name is Old English for field, which is likely where his
motley father sowed his oats. I would also like to add that his
name has a striking cadence similar to some people who have sent
me emails recently, including: Lettice Lupton, Zygote E. Wisteria,
Aristocles Harms, and Snapdragon Novella. As you can guess, these
persons were trying to sell me erectile enhancement and lower
mortgage payments…Motley, flapdoodles, every one.
Respectfully,
|
*** |
Dear Doctor Schuler,
Will I ever find true meaning and happiness in life?
|
Dear Krista,
What a good question! The short answer to your inquiry is NO. But
the long answer is YYYEEESSS.
I believe that understanding the meaning of this life usually
only occurs in reflection (meaning when you are dead, or close
to it). But conversely, finding happiness is about not reflecting
at all. Enjoying what exists without looking for it, finding joy
in sorrow, for instance. In any case, I wish you all the happiness
in the world, minus enough for me.
Tally Ho,
|
|
*** |
| |
Dear Doctor Schuler:
I have this nagging, terrible itch
in the nether regions of my person and I am afraid to tell anyone
lest they think i am a slut, which i certainly am not. I am tormented
night and day from this itch and the only relief i have found
is in watching the Wau Wau Sisters do their "Welcome to the
Jungle" routine, which thankfully is at least once a week
at some club or half theatre in LA or NY. I know I will never
have to worry that I will not be able to see said show but what
if something unexpected happens and they stop performing it? I
can't bear to think about it, but I must, I must! Help me.
|
Dear Lola,
I am surprised, but not shocked that you are the third person
to ask me about a condition related to the nether regions. The
CDC (Center for Disease Control) expects that by the year 2010
sexually transmitted diseases will afflict 80% of sexually active
women. So read up on all the different kinds and protect yourself.
Beyond that, I would advise future persons not to write to me
regarding conditions of the nether regions, unless they are referring
to Amsterdam and Utrecht, because I am not a medical doctor, I
am a metaphysical doctor. That said, I love the Wau Wau Sisters
“Welcome to the Jungle” routine. I could watch it
over and over. Luckily for you, I am their personal physician
and I will send word that they should continue to perform the
number until their bones give way or they are presented a cease
and desist order by Guns ‘N Roses.
Metaphysically yours,
|
*** |
Herr Doctor,
Ven are yoo cominging back to Los Angelease to do anodda of yer
great Dr. Schüler shows? Ve tink dat dose show aufen yers
are wonderbar!
Averdersane,
Lonely in Los Angeles
|
Lieber Lonely,
Danke für Ihren freundlichen Vorwand. Ich würde
lieben, nach Los Angeles zurückzukommen. Möglicherweise
im neuen Jahr. Wenn Sie von irgendwelche freien Theater hören,
senden Sie bitte einen anderen Brief s.b.w.m.
Herzlichst,
|
|
*** |
| |
Dear Doctor Schüler,
I have got these sores on my genitals and in
the crack of my buttocks. They seem to itch worse when I am perusing
your website? Can you suggest some type of ointment?
Warmest regards,
Troubled in Tennesee
|
Dear Troubled,
It sounds like your sores are responding to a rise in
temperature, which you experience as a result of anxiety about me.
I recommend a long soak in a cool epsom salt bath; afterward, gently
pat your crotch dry and apply a generous layer of calamine lotion;
then don't come near this website for at least ten days. If the
sores don't go away, scratch like hell until you bleed the demons
out of you.
Yours in sores,
|
*** |
Dear Doctor Schüler,
What's
up with this?
Sincerely,
Concerned Patron
|
Dear Concerned Patron,
I am glad that you have asked. It is the beginning of
new series of interactive events planned for Doctored Pictures.
I have been toiling away in my secret catacombs for far too long
and look forward to once again greeting the public. I only hope
that there are still those whom my research will help. I encourage
your further questions.
Indubitably,
|
|
|
|
